My heart feels conflicted…and my mind can’t guide it either. Down the right path hell my mind as well as I do not even know what is the right path I care for him more than I have anyone before in my life…at this point in time. But it seems like or not even that it IS that he doesn’t care for me in that way …Or like I care for him in the slightest And since his feelings aren’t like my mine, Probably not even close to mine I have to block myself; guard my chest, which protects my heart With a big brick wall that no one can penetrate even if they tried their fucking hardest.
But putting up that bloody fucking wall doesn’t make my heart any less conflicted Doesn’t make it any easier not to want to give him My all…show him all my feelings and express everything I feel within my heart It doesn’t change the fact that I’m always confused bout how I should acted Especially when in front of him so he never “sees me sweat” ha Never truly sees my weak spot, Even though I know he isn’t the type to take advantage of it Still…he can’t see me like that…he won’t fucking see me like that At least I hope I haven’t shown him that side of me But it hurts so much for me not to completely express myself Let go completely and not have to hold back anything I feel so bottled up…so caged like those birds in the pet shop Just waiting to spread their wings and fly once again with not only their wings but with their hearts too
See I have to guard my heart so tightly and put myself on such lock down, because …My heart used to not be whole once before But that changed and that pain is no more. However I’m willing by any circumstances to go backwards So I’m too afraid to go back go; back to where I was before A dark place that I shouldn’t have been in, or never taking one step in But since the pain I felt before hurt so much and I allowed in doing so much damage to me Especially when it wasn’t even for the person I lost…the love I might of lost hahaha What love is what I’m thinking bout now as I look back?
HA No it was because I was rejected by a total fucking douche Who wasn’t really worth my fucking time in the first place? So if that put me in a dark place, dark ass space what going to happen When I let go and know that it isn’t the rejection that hurts …But it’s the very fact that I can’t be with him, or at least try it once? I don’t think a mere six months will cure that at all this time around And this time my heart with be not just incompletely Hell its really going to split down the middle this time And break…Cus I’ve never felt this way before never fucking ever It scares me so fucking much that I’m into him so much Like him so much…that everyday I spend with him… I find something that I love about him that makes me like him even more
When that happens I’m thinking, “Shit, why lord why? Why am I so?
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